So it has recently been world mental health day and baby loss awareness month and I guess I am inspired to talk about my mental health and my last year. I've gone through a lot in the past year that has really had an impact on my mental and physical health and my overall mood and how I feel.
I'd like to start off by saying that everybody has mental health. Not just people diagnosed with a mental health issue or condition. Everyone who has a brain. 🧠. Just the same as everyone has physical health.
For me there has been 3 big things that have probably impacted mine over the past year. So I'm going to write about them. A little insight into my life I guess.
So last October I made a decision to leave Tesco. Those who know me know that I had worked there a long time and worked my way up and had been signed off as a manager and moved stores etc. I absolutely loved it for a while and was doing really well, I was super proud of myself. But then I had this unbearable feeling of dread that I wasn't a good fit. That I didn't have what it takes to do the nitty gritty side of things and be as stern as some other people could be. That coupled with the fact that actually one day I might have wanted a family and the hours are so un family friendly. And I had seen my fiancee at the time leave retail and really find himself in his new job and begin to flourish and enjoy life again. So I was feeling very negative about working in retail and started to get very down, it all came about when I moved to a certain store. Honestly though I think looking back it wasn't the stores fault I just wasn't emotionally ready for another big change like that and getting to know a whole new team and try and assert myself as a manger of a department I hadn't worked on before. The change really got me down and I felt I needed to try something else. I applied for other jobs got offered two and decided to take one and leave. Anyway I moved on to pastures new and worked as an assistant manager at home bargains for a little while, had a run in with the area manager and totally freaked out. I shouldn't have chosen another retail job and I knew that deep down but I wanted to give it another chance elsewhere. I left very abruptly, something I shouldn't have done and maybe my mental health had a factor in this. I started to think I'd never be happy in a career and regretted leaving tesco. But I applied for more jobs. I got offered a job at Tesco bank to start in February I was chuffed. But it was only January. During the time I waited I felt pretty shit. I regret this so much. I should have enjoyed the time off, I will possibly never get time off like that again, I should have done more. But instead I moped around feeling like if I enjoyed my time off it would be frowned upon and feeling like I was a failure and no one was proud of me anymore. How ridiculous when in reality I was just confident that I wanted a different career path and making an effort to change my path. But at the time I felt I was really letting myself and other people down. During the wait to start at Tesco bank I got an interview that I never expected to get for a role within the NHS. I was so excited. In the end I got the job. In the meantime of course I started at Tesco bank just to get some money during the wait and to see what it was like. I then left once the training ended as I was nervous to start calls when I knew I was going to be leaving anyway. Plus I was a giant emotional wreck (due to being pregnant which I was unaware of at the time) finally in May i went to work at south tyneside hospital. I finally started the career journey I really wanted. I love my job. I work within the medical records library and I love it. It's totally different to retail and just exactly what I wanted. I can switch off after work. And it's Monday - Friday. Perfect. But the journey to get there wasn't pleasant. At all. Starting new jobs having to go through the rigmorole of meeting new people and getting to know them then making the conscious decision to leave and dread the disappointment in people's faces when they realised I was leaving again. God it was awful. And the support I expected from home, well it wasn't there. My fiancee was no longer proud of me. Got agitated when I did nothing with my day (during the times I wasn't working) even though I was just upsett that he no longer showed any affection towards me and I felt like I had let him down and he was really disgusted with me. I felt him pulling away from me and I could tell he hated coming home and seeing me. It was horrific. Obviously I thought it was all in my head. As he told me that I was wrong when we did try to talk about it. So yeah from October - may was possibly very stressful on the job front, and I feel very drained and disappointed in myself. It was insanely hard. I felt like people were judging what I'd done and the decisions I made. And to be honest I doubted I had made the right choices myself. . But eventually I started a job I was really excited about and honestly still love. It's a shame its part time and I'm not making the money I was making as a manager and sometimes it's a struggle but I'm hoping one day to build that up and maybe become a ward clerk or something. I've got my foot in the door in a new type of career path and that's what matters. My job no longer makes me fill with dread about going. I can manage to pay my side of the bills and feed us and still have a little bit left to try and live. I just need to win the lottery or something. But then again money isn't everything.
However let's move onto the next thing that happened. I fell pregnant. During a time which wasn't ideal. We found out in April. When I was not working. I was so scared. Actually petrified to tell Dan. I knew in my gut he would be so unhappy at the situation. I knew how much he would stress out about the fact I wasn't working and that I was gong into a part time job etc. How would we afford it. Moneymoneymoney..... How shit that something that made me so happy, that yes wasn't exactly planned but god I knew I wanted so much, bring about so much terror and anticipation. Dan reacted exactly how I assumed. Freaked out. Mentioned money. God he was scared I could tell. Off he went to work to deal with it and leave me alone, petrified and distraught that he wasn't happy. What on earth did he want me to do... It wasn't my fault.... But I felt like this was my fault. Over the next few weeks though things improved. I was so excited. And he started to get excited too. I could tell. We decided not to really tell people apart from our parents, We went into full nesting mode, talking about how we could improve our home in time for baby's arrival. Dan and his mam even started some decorating. We did out our spare room. It was nice to feel like our worries had gone. We would be fine! Who cares about money we would make this work because we are strong couple and we could get through it. Plus we ere going to have a Baby!! Eeek. Tiny baby feet and little squishyness. It was nice to feel like this was what he wanted too. And that actually we were okay and we were going to be mint parents. And we had such good family and friends around us to help us out. This was it. Our unplanned little miracle. I felt like we never would have planned it really, as that's just not us, we were more if it happens it happens people. So for a brief couple of months we were happy and excited about our future as parents but still scared too ofc. Isn't everyone slightly scared to become real adults that tiny humans will actually look up too and learn from. I guess you don't really hear about people being scared though do you, you just see people sharing happy news, you don't get to see that side. The side where they are shitting themselves and worrying. So you can think your not normal for being worried or having doubts. But everyone does it. You just Don't get to see it.
Then the real trauma happened as we had that ripped away from us. I had a missed misscarraige. We had our first scan and discovered there was no heartbeat and our baby had stopped growing at 7.5 weeks. What the actual living hell. I had something dead inside of me. That's all that kept going through my head. I had killed it. Somehow. Was it all the lifting I was doing at my new job. Was it how upsett/emotional/stressed I had been previously when I hadn't known I was pregnant. Was it when the dog had jumped on me or had I played too rough with her. Had I been having too many hot baths. Was it because we had been scared/unhappy at the beginning, somehow we didn't deserve it. Was my body somehow incapable of keeping it alive. Or was it simply just because there had been something wrong with it and it 'wasn't meant to be.' God I was heartbroken. Was I allowed to feel heartbroken? I didn't know him/her. I never met them. But God I had planned it's future. Seen which school I'd send it too. Imagined what toys I'd buy, what books I'd buy, what kind of parents we would be. That was all now ripped away, just like that. Poof! I was never prepared for this even though I knew it was a possibility of course I did, that's why we didn't rush into telling anyone. 'It's so common. It happens to so many people.' But no one really talks about it, not until it happens to you do you discover just how many people it's happened too. Just how common it is. And you know what? It doesn't make it any easier knowing that. It's fucking awful. No one can tell you how you are going to feel or deal with it. I can't even tell you how I feel. Heartbroken doesn't really cut it. My baby would have been due on the 7th November. That's less than a month away now. Right now I should be huge. I should have such an enormous stomach and be ready to pop. I should be able to feel my baby kick. we should be sitting talking to it, being excited/nervous to meet them. Dan should have his hand on my enormous stomach. We should be a happy little family. That tiny little person that was ours. And instead here I am, losing weight because I'm so fucking miserable. I still remember the feeling of being pregnant and I miss it! I miss it so much. Now I'm Stressed over my life and what on earth I'm doing to do. Contemplating how much has changed and how I might never get to give birth to our tiny human now. How that might have been my one chance. And it just got taken away. And honestly will I even want too? I don't know that I ever want to go through all of this again. I feel so alone. Dealing with this loss on my own. Sometimes I think to myself does dan even remember? Or actually did he even care. I know thats cruel, yes he cared. But who knows. Sometimes I feel like to him it was a blessing. He could get out now. Maybe I'm the only person who will remember that date. Maybe I'm the only person in the world who will mourn our unborn child. Il always feel like because I lost you my whole life changed. How depressing. And fucking unfair. I shouldn't have to feel like that. Yet I do.
So, I guess we will move onto the other thing that's happened to me this year that has greatly effected my mental health. Dan left me. My fiancee who I had been with for nearly 9 years who only proposed to me last year decided to tell me two months after I misscarried that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore....
As if I could comprehend that. Going through what I was going through at the time.
Now I freaked out after losing the baby and pushed to get married. I'm not sure why i thought it was a good time to talk about it or push for it. To be honest I just missed having something to look forward too, a date to look forward too. I felt planning our wedding would give us something to be excited about. And take our minds off all of the misery. Something good to focus on. And it was what we wanted! We were engaged after all. He proposed to me so obviously he wanted to marry me some day. I was wrong. Little did I know planning our wedding was a living hell for Dan. He was apprehensive but I dove into it anyway and he seemed to be into it, looking at the guest list I made and agreeing/adding to it, We went to venues and we found one we liked. I was so excited. But then I Could feel him pulling away from me and just acting off. Eventually I pressured him for an idea of a date, when did he feel we could do it. When would he be ready. Next year or? And eventually he cracked. Said he didn't want to get married, but not only that he didn't know if he even loved me.
I wasn't expecting that. I expected him to just not be ready to plan our big day that he didn't know if he was ready. And maybe he just felt it was too quick and needed time. That would have been a blow in itself to be honest but that I could have been fine with. Okay with. I got that maybe I was rushing into planning it so soon after what had happened and that maybe I was just looking for something to focus on. But he doesn't love me? That's a hard thing to deal with. And a really brutal thing to hear. He doesn't feel the same? And hasn't since Christmas time? And hasn't said anything this whole time? We were going to have a baby. What the actual fuck. I didn't know how to act. What to do. What to say. God I was angry/upsett. Anyway we faught and I persuaded him it was okay. That everything that's happened could be making him feel this way. That we could work through this if we try. I mean come on its us, why on earth would anyone throw this away. He decided he would try and told me we would be fine. It was just a blip. The next day we had such a good day, we had a bbq and drank beers in the garden and discussed music and played our favourite songs to each other. It was as if this huge weight had been lifted. Like we had gone through so much shit and just needed a refresh and this was it. We could just concentrate on us and be happy. We just needed to stop discussing marriage and serious things for a while after the loss we had been through. Just have fun and be us.
Then I found him messaging a girl. things I wouldn't say to anyone else. Like how perfect she is. And beautiful. And that he loved her. He told me that that's just how they talk and that they are just friends. That he would never cheat on me. In fact his words were that he would kill himself if he ever cheated on me he could never live with that. God it hurt. He had just sat and told me he might not love me but then could tell another girl that he loves her ? How is that just a friendship how is that normal. But I believed him. I know he would never have slept with her or had anything physical. I know it was all just emotional. Even to this day I do believe that. I know Dan and I trust him. But God it was still unfair. It still hurt. And was it still cheating? He knew I wouldn't like it, it was still behind my back. He had never even mentioned her before yet they had nicknames for each other and were such 'close' friends. They work together. She was going through 'similar' things with her fiancee. And having troubles (though to my knowledge me and dan were fine! Other than going through hard times money and loss wise we were still fine as a couple!) . So they confided in each other and that's how their friendship came about? He talked to her about our relationship when he didn't even talk to me about it. He kept telling me things were fine but then telling her how shit things were. How on earth was that okay. How on earth would I forgive him for this. But I wanted too. I wanted to put it down to the miscarraige, the shitty in and out of jobs. I wanted to put it down to a shit 6months and that the only way was up now. I gave him excuses. I understood how he could do it to me. I reminded him of hard times and pain, she probably looked like a fresh start. It was probably easier to tell her things than to upsett me by telling me. I got upsett sometimes but I was still there, I still loved him and I still wanted to try. Put this behind us And he was adament he wanted too as well, he told me we would be fine! And it was us and we would get through it. So I believed him and knew things would get better with time. He decided we should join a gym together so I agreed and we went and joined up at little haven gym on a joint membership which I pay for. He also decided he wanted to organise something, a holiday, so he decided he wanted to take me to Rome for my birthday in February as I'm going to be the big 30. Surely that's a great sign, he still wants to be with me in February. So we did just that and went and booked it. I was really happy as he never suggests holidays its usually my idea so it was nice of him to plan something and show me he wanted to be there and make the effort. And I have always wanted to visit Rome. He really seemed to be putting in effort and want to be with me. He knew he had messed up but I trusted him to fix this. And honestly I knew I could get past it. With time.
He went to Berlin on holiday with his friends to see Pearl jam. That was really hard, would he miss me ? Or would he think he had more fun without me when he got back he was upsett. He said he had missed me loads and he was so upsett that he had hurt me when he got back we seemed really good. We were really going to be fine.
Or that's what I thought Until he went out with work one Friday for a leaving do and she went out too. I knew it would change things I could just feel it. Gut instinct. I was miserable about him even going with everything that had happened. I just wanted him to stay home and be with me but I couldn't ask for that. I couldnt act jealous and stop him seeing his work friends and it was a leaving do for someone. So i acted fine and even gave him a lift there. Dropped him off came home and cried for the whole night. While he spent the night laughing and having fun with her. (and other work friends). He came home drunk and tried to stay on the sofa but I pestered him to come to bed. He only wanted to be on the sofa so he could message her. Tell her how nice she had looked with her hair up and ask if her cheesey chips were good etc. (I am not stupid, why do men think you won't find these things out?) And let's face it it would have been cruel to do that while lying in bed next to me wouldn't it. ..... (as if it isn't cruel anyway) As if that wasn't enough something else was shoved in my face the next day. The truth of how he really felt. A note he had wrote (but apparently never sent) to her.
This is what it said
Firstly let's dissect this a moment. You've told each other how you feel? Thought you were just friends.... Obviously fucking not. And wait a sec so cause she was still with her ex it wasn't an option but now that she's single it is ? ? HELLO What about ME.
nearly split up? Is that what you've been telling people? Cause I was just calling it a fight. So thank you for that.
Yes it is selfish. And obviously I'm upsett who wouldn't be. It's YOUR job to fucking prove to me I have no reason to be.
Don't want to hurt me? Bit late.
Don't want to give up? Then don't. Man the fuck up put some effort in and work on your relationship instead of being a selfish coward.
NO you weren't in the same situation because no two situations are identical. Plus I honestly believe dan made shit up about our relationship ans moaned and winged to create Drama just so he could get. Close to her and have something to talk about then ended up believing it. Because he never spoke to anyone else about any of it.
Ofc I knew because I'm not a fucking idiot. 😒. Those feelings you have are called lust. Probably because you've bonded in a way friends don't. Youve trusted each other with secrets you didn't tell anyone else and it's created a closeness you don't feel with anyone else.
Get the magic back from A YEAR or TWO ago..... You only proposed to me last year. Are you telling me there was no magic there then? What the actual fuck.
No you don't leave you fucking man up. Like I've already said.
You don't want to break my heart? Trust me you already are.
Chris didn't fight? Err okay. And your looking down on him when your going to do the exact same thing to me. YOUR BOTH Adults??? ? Give me strength. Actually the pair of you need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like your in a film. Your hurting people and messing with people's lives. Because you fancy each other a bit and built an emotional bond. Get over it. Go home to the people that actually love you.
Scared what would happen to me? Do you think I'm going to kill myself? Thank you for putting that idea in my head.
Better to be your friend than nothing. Oh how romantic.
Selfless and caring? Fuck off. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard. The two of you bitch about your other halves because you can't face talking to your actual partners and working things out. You go behind people's backs to be 'friends' this is not selfless. And I bet any advice given even good advice has alterior motives. Because you want to be seen as this great person by each other. You want to be seen as good. And wanting the best for each other.
You Love her? She has a piece of your heart? Funny that cause I thought I did. You've always loved her? What since you met her at work last May before you proposed to me? Doubtful. Think someone's just trying to sound romantic here like.
And how can you love someone you only know at work. How can you you when you've never even hung out outside of work man. Do you even know what love is ? ?! You seriously don't even know the girl!!! All you know about her is about her relationship you stupid twat.
Always going to be friends? Not if you want to be with me your not.
You want to be a morale person.? You should have thought of that a long fucking time ago. Because trust me you have been a shit person.
You wish you could be like other lads? Why would you have made your move and fucked her by now would you ?? Is that what you think about when you have sex with me??
You feel guilty? Good. You should. I hope it fucking eats you up. Because honestly I go over this stupid note every day in my head. And it eats me up. Knowing that you felt that way. Even though you deny it when we talk about it and tell me it was exaggeration. Which yeah maybe some of it I'd because you were so desperate for her to love you.
I mean how nice of him to tell her all of this but not tell his fiancee. He had been telling me we were fine and that we would work through it. What a fucking liar. We had a huge argument, well I say argument I was just a big distraught mess. I still couldn't see what on earth was so wrong with our relationship that he would want to walk away from it . I fucking love him and we were fine. Had he been making troubles up just to be able to talk to her about things? Just to get close.. Anyway he still decided he wanted to be in this relationship! !!!! !! That I got him and that it was all a mistake and he didn't mean to hurt me. He was wrong to do what he did. We would be fine.
but then a few weeks later he decided he didn't want to try anymore. He no longer wanted to be with me. Because I was upsett. And he probably felt too much guilt and couldn't man up and just be there for me. He didn't love me or feel the same and hadn't for a very long time. How nice. He didn't want to be with me?!?!? If anything I should be the one who doesn't want to be with him. After all the hurt he's put me through but I'm a fighter and I don't give up on the things that I believe in. And honestly I still to this day believe in us. I understand how he felt and how easy I made it for him to talk to someone else instead of me. And he never actually cheated (or do he says) and if he really didn't then I could get past all of this if he would just prove it. Prove to me I mean something. I was an emotional mess. 😟. I'd left a well paying job and possibly lost us our savings and well just made life more difficult. I made him feel like he had to do everything. I guess he probably felt more like I was a reckless child than an adult. But I needed him . And I'm not afraid to admit that. Sometimes in a relationship you just need the other person.. I guess I put too much on him. And I'm truly sorry I did all of that. But honestly you should have just talked to me about it. Not done this.
So we own a house together. we are still living together. He hasn't gone anywhere,yet. He pays the mortgage. And I don't want to leave. its my house too and why the hell should I leave my home when I didn't want any of this?!? God this is fucked up.
Honestly I don't know what the adult thing to do would be. He made the decision to leave me the least he could have done would have been to leave the house and let me simmer down for a bit before having to discuss what's actually happening?? But no he stayed. Made me have to live with someone who doesn't even want to be there with me. And yes I could leave. But why would I leave. Let's face it if I leave its me giving up and walking away and why the hell should I do that. At the same time I really don't want him to leave!!! I fucking need him so much right now. I'm still a mess after the miscarraige and I can't even admit that to him now because he's made this more important. He's made this overshadow it. Plus if he leaves That would mean it's really over. I want to just carry on living together, one day he will realise he still loves me and that will be fine. Him staying means really he doesn't want to leave right? Or that's what I keep telling myself because that's what he told me when I was scared at first he said he's still here so he still loves me. I can't come to terms with what's happening. Honestly I look back and I wish he had just asked for some time alone for a bit. Surely that would have helped. Time to really see if this is really what he wants. Not just broke up with me like a fucking teenager becuase he couldn't hack it. But no he's adament it's over for good and he's certain. As if we were just some childish relationship that he thought he could end and that would be it. Throw me away like I meant nothing. Even though we've built up a life over the past 9 years which he is now ripping away from me. He isn't just leaving he's taking away my home. My fucking life. I don't know what I'm going to do the day we have to not live together. I really don't. I don't know how I'm going to cope if he leaves. And I don't think il ever have the strength to. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me going. That I still get to come home to him even if it is a mess. That there's still that. I'd rather be in this mess with him than in some glorious wonderful place with anyone else. Does that make me sad and pathetic. God I just want to fast forward time and be okay. I just want us to be okay. Or rewind time and stop any of this from happening. What am I meant to do. I really don't want to lose my home. 😔. This is fucking shit.
I found a card he sent her which really tipped me over the edge. He got a moon pig card delivered to his mams house (to hide from me) for her. We found out about our missed misscarraige on the 19th. Look when this card was despatched. I mean wow. He should have been sending me a card. Telling me how amazing I was for being strong after everything we had been through. But no.
Honestly. I don't know how I'm still here sometimes. There are days where I have had such horrible thoughts. Days where I could honestly hurt someone. Or myself. I scare myself with how angry I can get. Or how upsett I can be. How in a fit of absolute rage I have thought I could actually possibly kill myself just to get away from this mess. So I don't have to go through losing everything. Or I could just fucking cave someone's skull in. I honestly hope I never see her. Because I honestly think I'd lose my shit. I'm dreading it. And god if I seen them together. I'd be like a person possessed I just know I would. Everyone would think I'd gone crazy. Honestly I get why people act nuts or do mental things.. Theres always another person behind it all who has royally fucked them up. People of there's one thing you learn from this then please don't fucking do this to each other! ! ! Don't mess with people's lives!!!! People aren't meant to feel this much pain. Stop fucking people who love you over. Just stop it !
i didn't really want to kill myself BTW i'm not suicidal. Or am I. I don't know. But my brain is all over the place.. Or I don't know maybe i just get so overcome with pain. I just wanted to avoid processing what was going on. I have so much hate and yet so much love still inside of me. Its so confusing and hard and heartbreaking. I love him so much, and I'm so angry that he didn't talk to me. I'm so angry that he confided in someone else instead of me. I'm so angry that God we were so fucking good together and he ruined that!!!!! I'm so angry that he came to view wedding venues with me with no intention of marrying me! !! I'm so angry that he would have tried if I hadn't had a miscarraige but that because I did he felt it was okay to stop trying!!!!! ! I'm so angry that now I blame myself for this! I blame my body for losing the baby and therefore losing him!! ! I'm so angry that he waited until after then to tell me, that now I have to look back on it as his way out!!! But overall what I'm most angry about is the fact that I would still try. I still love him and I'd still try! If he would stop being such an idiot I'd be there in a heartbeat. Yet he won't! We weren't just some young couple, we have been together a long time and were engaged. We haven't had any major disagreements or issues in our relationship really until now. And the first time he feels scared. The first time he has doubts. He runs away. He ditches me. He can't hack it. Part of me still feels its the guilt of what he's done. It's easier for him to end things than to face that guilt. To have to work and help me through this would be too hard for him. Who knows. He just keeps saying he doesn't love me and that's it. Just doesn't feel the same. Nice. Do you know how much that hurts? How can someone just not love someone anymore? It's cruel. I can't understand that at all. I mean haway, you can break up with someone but you still love them don't you. You can't just not love someone at all who has been there for you and been you life partner who you were going to have kids with and marry. .... Am I crazy for not understanding that. Its too fucking painful. And unfair.
Well, 2018 you've been royally shit. And I've still got a little bit of you left. What else can go wrong. Cause honestly what's the fucking worst you could do now. Not only have I lost a child and a future that I planned for that child and I still don't know how to deal with that properly, but the one person who I thought could help me through that won't. The one person I thought was going through that with me, wasn't. I am alone in this. My mental health has taken a royal beating. And my physical health along with it cause I've lost weight I didn't want to lose due to being down and not eating. And I look like a sack of shit. I have more spots than clear skin.
Urgh.
But hey ho. 'life goes on' 'you will be okay' 'be strong' 'you meet someone else' 'it's a blessing you didn't end up having a baby' 🖕
Sick of hearing that sort of shit. Nah. It's shit. And I'm allowed to be fucking miserable. And strong?! I am strong. I'm still fucking here living through this hell. Just because I cry or get upsett doesn't mean I'm weak. People need to realise that. Emotions are NOT weakness. I'm strong because I can fucking show emotions and not give a shit what anyone else thinks. See? I'm angry lol. But yes I will evantually be less angry. And maybe evantually il be okay with all of this. Somehow. But it's only going to get worse before it gets better since honestly I'm terrified about what happens next. I don't want to lose my home and go back to my parents. Why should my life be uprooted like that for a decision I didn't even make. I love this house. It's my home. But I can't even afford to keep it. How unfair. Urgh. And how do I live here without Dan if that has to happen? When it's ours. Its our fucking home. He is my fucking home. Why can't he just wake up and see I'm his. But we will just have to wait and see what happens cause i have no idea right now.
And anyone who thinks it's a good thing I didn't have a baby can honestly go fuck themselves. I would have wanted and loved that baby regardless of Dan. Regardless of wether he did or would have. And at least I would have had something. Someone. Out of all this.
I'm holding on to this sad idea that what if we move out and sell and he changes his mind. What if he doesn't really want to be alone at all. What if I'm not the problem. What if he realises all of that. Is rushing to sell the house and get out really such a good idea? Maybe he should go live with his mam for a little bit and see if it's really what he wants first. Why couldn't we just take some time apart first and see eif it's really what we need. he thinks it's final. Do I just end up looking like a crazy person? Clinging on for dear life? Urgh. But then could I even live with that, taking some time. Its not what I need. I need him here now to fucking be there for me.
Somebody send happy thoughts my way.
Thanks for reading this shit. If you even got this far.
So. Am I crazy? Is this normal? Are both thoughts that have crossed my mind over the past few months when I have been overcome with tears that I actually thought might not stop. To the point where I struggle breathing and can't function. that feeling in your chest like it's going to physically kill you. What have I done to deserve all of this. I often sit and wonder. I sit and think about what people must be thinking from the outside. Our friends and family. Do they think this break up is normal? Do they accept it like I can't? Do they at all think its a mistake? How do I act around his friends when I see them? Are they even really my friends? The people I've had some of my best nights out with. Am I even meant to say hello to them now? Can I do it without being upsett? If I don't act upsett do they still know I am? Do they get it? Do they understand? Has he told them more than he's told me? Do they think I'm a mess? If I was his friend I'd be going nuts, wanting to know why, asking if he was sure, wanting the best for him but also thinking christ he's throwing away a hell of a lot for no real reason. Are any of his friends thinking that? Or are they all just like 'ah sorry mate well whatevers best' 'you'll be fine she was quiet and boring anyway' 'your doing the right thing man' because let's face it no one stands up for things these days. No one challenges people. How many of his friends are going to go 'err mate wtf are you doing throwing away someone who loves you like that? That's a really fucking shitty thing to do.' no because instead friends tell you what you want to hear sometimes don't they. .. Which isn't always the cold hard truth. I like to think if I was being a shit person my friends would call me up on it. I like to think I'd call my friends up on it. But who knows. 😔. I wish someone would call him up on it. Other than me, because I just sound biased. God I drive myself up the wall thinking. All these thoughts. Am I just blinded and biased and really it's perfectly normal. Really our relationship wasn't what I thought? God but it was. It was perfect. He's my best friend. And I just really wanted to marry my best friend. How is that not enough? How is that not perfect?
But maybe it's not anymore. This day and age. It's so easy to give up in this world that we live in. So widely accepted that things just don't work out. But that's the trouble, no one actually works at things to find out if they will work out or not anymore. It's easier to walk away than put effort in to make something great again. People are too baught into the theory that if it's broken you can't fix it or that you shouldn't have to because if you really loved someone things would Never feel that way in the first place. That if you were meant to be things would never be hard. But that's so fucking wrong!!! You aren't going to feel perfectly happy your whole life with somebody. There are going to be times when things are not great! Where you have doubts and wonder and think. That's normal! But God, talk about them!!!! Open up!! Be straight about what you want or don't want in a relationship. Give the other person a fighting chance. You never know they might be feeling the same way. They might need some changes just as much as you do. We are all a work in progress and so are our relationships. So many people think everything should always be so fucking perfect. Like in a film or how they are portrayed in the media. The Internet and social media has so much to blame for these days too. Yes it's amazing but hell growing up around it can be so difficult. Google wether you should break up with someone and I bet you will find a million websites telling you too just because your thinking about it. Because come on, how many sane people who actually work through relationships and put effort in have time to write these sorts of articles?! They will probably tell you that if it feels wrong then it is and that you must find yourself and end it for the other person's sake. All bullshit to make it easier. To make it seem okay. There isn't enough information out there telling you to work at things. There isn't enough information telling you that sometimes relationships are really strained and hard. And actually that is so normal!!!!! It's just so widely accepted to give up now. To look for something easier or better.
But enough of my crap. You don't have to go through anything to have mental health. I've had a shit year, and it's tested mine. But honestly I've always had mental health. Everybody does. If you have a brain you have mental health. It's that simple. And sometimes your mental health can be great and others not so great. The same as your physical health. Health is health. You don't need a reason to catch a cold or get the flu or break a leg, it just happens sometimes. Well so does feeling depressed. So does intrusive thoughts. So does feeling anxious. It can just happen. Sometimes there's a trigger. Sometimes not really. It's shit isn't it. Now I accept that the way I'm feeling at the moment is probably pretty normal for my current situation, as much as sometimes I feel like I'm not normal and like I'm going nuts. I'm pretty sure a lot of people would feel the same. But actually sometimes I do things or manifest it in ways that are not healthy. And that's something I need to work on. I'm not entirely comfortable yet in talking about everything. So I won't. But I'm here. I'm alive. I'm breathing. And I'm taking each day as it comes.
I'm drawing every day this month which is really helping. I might not be an artist but actually I don't think you have to be the best at something to enjoy it. I enjoy doodling. I'm reading a lot more which I love. I forget to read sometimes when I'm not away or off work. Maybe I focused all my energy on my relationship so much I forgot to do anything for me anymore, maybe I was too intense. I didn't take any time out for just me. Always wanting to be constantly around each other. Maybe that wasn't healthy and maybe that's something we could have talked about and worked on instead of just calling it quits because it's easier for him. 👏. But who knows.
Sometimes I avoid people. I don't answer calls, I avoid messages etc. I'm not trying to be mean, and I hope no one ever takes it personally or offensively, but honestly sometimes I just don't want to talk to people. I just want to be alone. Some days I've learnt to step away from my phone. Especially since deleting Facebook, that shit is unhealthy. The amount of scrolling I would do, taking over hours of my life. Urgh. But I've learnt to not let social media be this big part of my life anymore. Yeah I love Instagram but I look at it for five ten minutes or so then stop. And I feel better for it. And I need to feel better about being alone, in my own company.
It's helped me do real life things more like reading or drawing or going outside. How much healthier is that. Sometimes I wish I lived in a world without the Internet. I bet things were easier and healthier then. You couldn't check up on people 24/7 and didn't have the urge or need too. Wow.
Don't get me wrong I do think the Internet is fascinating. I just wish we didn't need it as much as we do these days.
So, sorry I ramble a bit. I guess I don't really know where I was even going with any of this to be quite honest. Other than the fact i I felt the need to write everything down. To get everything out there and process it. ... Though to be honest let's face it I still haven't. This is just how I feel right now on this day. Who knows how il feel tomorrow, next week, a year from now. Hopefully better.
I hope everyone is looking after themselves, both physically and mentally. You are all such unique and beautiful people in your own ways. I have so much love inside of me for everyone who is my friend/family. I think you are all great.
I know it's selfish of me to just want him. To put all that on him when I have so many people who love me. But I feel so alone without him. And nothing anyone does or says is going to change that. My whole future is changing. And that really fucking hurts. That someone I trusted so much could take it all away from me. It's not just him I've lost its everything we've planned or talked about. Everything I've dreamed about or wished for. It fucking sucks. This is probably not even half of how I feel. Ive probably missed things. And some days I probably feel different. My head a constant mess. My heart feels like sometimes it could just give up. I'm absolutely broken. I don't know how il ever be okay. But I know I will be that's just what happens isn't it. Even though I never want to be okay with it.
This was probably stupid to write about. It was probably too much to share. Too personal, too raw. Might hurt others. Is it even fair to put this out there online? For other people to see. I don't know.
I'm sorry if it effects you.
But I am in so much pain and I need an outlet. And I need people to know me. My side. My story I guess. So I stop driving myself nuts thinking what do other people think.
Truthfully no one even knows this blog exists so no one will ever read it unless I decide to share it.
Heaven knows if I will.
X
I know it's selfish of me to just want him. To put all that on him when I have so many people who love me. But I feel so alone without him. And nothing anyone does or says is going to change that. My whole future is changing. And that really fucking hurts. That someone I trusted so much could take it all away from me. It's not just him I've lost its everything we've planned or talked about. Everything I've dreamed about or wished for. It fucking sucks. This is probably not even half of how I feel. Ive probably missed things. And some days I probably feel different. My head a constant mess. My heart feels like sometimes it could just give up. I'm absolutely broken. I don't know how il ever be okay. But I know I will be that's just what happens isn't it. Even though I never want to be okay with it.
This was probably stupid to write about. It was probably too much to share. Too personal, too raw. Might hurt others. Is it even fair to put this out there online? For other people to see. I don't know.
I'm sorry if it effects you.
But I am in so much pain and I need an outlet. And I need people to know me. My side. My story I guess. So I stop driving myself nuts thinking what do other people think.
Truthfully no one even knows this blog exists so no one will ever read it unless I decide to share it.
Heaven knows if I will.
X
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